May
Articles, Relationships
How to Ask for What You Want in the Bedroom
It sounds like a very simple task – articulating what you want. Why then, is it so nerve wracking to do? Expressing your needs can be daunting in any situation, but when wanting to try something new with your partner in the bedroom it can be especially difficult. What if they don’t want to do what I’m requesting? What if I hurt their feelings and make them think that they’re inadequate?
Communication around sexual interests isn’t at all about your partner doing badly – it’s just about receiving maximum pleasure and trying something different. As sex therapist Casy Tanner says, “it’s not about a problem, it’s about potential”.
In heterosexual relationships, women are conditioned to privilege male pleasure over their own. We forget that sex is supposed to have two active and enthusiastic participants, making us feel as though our only goal is to get our man to finish at the expense of what we might want. This translates to non-hetero relationships as well since it’s become ingrained in us in all sorts of ways.
Asking for what you want in bed won’t just improve your sex life, but will also help to build confident communication skills that will translate to all areas of your life. So, what’s the best way to actually go about asking?
Start by lowering the stakes of the request. Emphasize the fact that it’s just something you want to try collaboratively because you think it might be fun, and it doesn’t have to be perfect or even enjoyable. After all, how would you know you like it if you haven’t tried it with your partner?
It’s also important to find the right time to ask. Different requests will require different timing. There are certain things that can be asked for during sex without killing the mood with a serious conversation, like “harder” or “faster”. Dictating pace and technique can still be done in a sexy way, and your partner might even really appreciate the enthusiasm. If it’s something like wanting to try out sex toys, you can ask during foreplay. If it’s something bigger like any kind of kink (e.g. BDSM), then it’s best to have the conversation with your partner in a non-sexual context. These kinds of things may require some more thinking about consent than usual, so it’s important that you give your partner the opportunity to consider.
Don’t take it personally if they say no! It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. Think about your preferences – are there certain things that you wouldn’t be comfortable trying? Imagine your partner asking you to try those things. Would you think that they’re bad, or would it just be a matter of you not being into what they’re asking for? We’re willing to bet it’s the latter. Respect your partner’s boundaries and don’t let it discourage you. Mutual consent is compulsory when experimenting.
Perhaps one of the most common barriers we face is the fear of hurting our partner’s feelings. A great way to avoid this is by starting from a place of praise. Make it clear that it’s not that you don’t like the way they do things, you just want to try something different to see if it might give you more pleasure. There’s no harm in experimentation. Tell them what they do well and express what you want to try on top of that. The obvious thing is to stay away from sharp criticism. Ensure that you’re directly expressing what you do want rather than what you don’t, and avoid phrases like “you always” or “you never”.
Be sure to return the favour and ask your partner what they want or if there’s something that they might like to try. Showing curiosity in their interests can really make them feel validated and remind them that your sex is a two way street and something you should both be enjoying.
You can be honest if you’re a little nervous about sharing and asking. It’s important for your partner to know that it’s vulnerable for you so that they can support you to the best of their ability. If you’ve opened up and your needs still aren’t being met, it might be time to talk about communication issues. If you’ve asked multiple times for something and they’re not incorporating it into sex, it’s worth it to ask them why. If you’ve asked them to stop doing something and they haven’t, then it’s a consent issue and it’s important that you firmly reinforce the fact that you don’t want them to do that anymore.
Voicing your needs can be tricky to navigate, but it’s well worth it for a fulfilling sex life. In the end asking for what you want will be better for the both of you as mutual enjoyment = better sex every time.
Let us know in the comments below if any of you will be having this conversation with your partner?
rubybox HQ
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I think I have a very open communication channel with my partner and it is easy to talk about our desires. Most important is not to ridicule each other or act disgusted by what your partner suggests, just have an open conversation and establish what you both are comfortable with
I always love to communicate everything with my partner 😌 💓 communication is everything in a relationship
It is a very interesting article, communication is always a key to everything
Thank you for the article
#Rubybox
Intresting topic…communication matters here
Communication is the best way to go. I will definitely improve my communication skills with the tips you gave me. Thank you🥰
This is something we have done before and it yields great results. It gets easier the more we continue… Be encouraged Rubies to do it.
Informative much,love it💯💚💙💜
Trying new things in the bedroom is hard but if you can normalize to communicate and not to judge when one comes with a suggestion it is fun once you start, thank you for information
I think I will be having this conversation with my partner,its scary but am gonna try.❤
Yes we should all be having these conversations with our partner. Loved the information, it was very very very interesting!!!! I am enjoying all your reading material Rubybox keep up the great work! #Thank You Rubybox Loving the tips and looking forward to the next article!